Long time.. No write

So... I was browsing some of my old haunts of other people's live journals and looked up Charlie's (my ex) journal - which I told him that I wouldn't be looking at anymore about 3 years ago when he rejected my offer to take him to see Wicked along with Usman. At the time I was pretty pissed at some of the things he wrote about me and what he suspected my motives were and I decided just to stop reading about him and his life so that I wouldn't get tangled up in any drama. I can see his point in retrospect, though it makes me sad that he could think I am such a manipulative bitch. so... I did stop reading for a long time, until about 6 months ago when I wondered what was going on with him and snuck a peek at his journal - cuz, lets be honest, once you've been that involved with someone, you never really will ever stop thinking and wondering about them. So, just now I ran across a post of his that was talking about a lousy night that he had and how in a moment of vulnerability he remembered some of his exes (including me) and was feeling forgettable and unlovable. I decided to take a chance on a potential storm of drama and write something in his journal (which he probably doesn't think that I read anymore and would therefore be safe to post potentially embarassing thoughts). I guess I wanted just to let him know that we're all human here and that we all have moments like that. And most of all, that he is certainly not a forgettable sort of fellow. So, although I posted anonymously and he might not figure out that it is from me, I wanted to post something equally telling and vulnerable on my journal. That way I don't feel like such a cad for still trying to eavesdrop in on his life after all of this time. So here it is. This little "gem" of a short writing comes from about 3 weeks ago when I woke up at 4am from a dream where I glimpsed Charlie in a crowd or in a passing car window or something. So it isn't even like we had a conversation or did anything, yet I was so riled up from the memories that it brought to my mind that I couldn't get back to sleep. I decided to write a little something (at 4am, mind you) in case I want some "human" material for that novel I am going to write some day. (ha ha) So I guess I was trying to be poetic or something at the time... See if you can't crack my 'insidious code' for who "C" and "Him" represent. Its a toughy! "It was no longer the urgency of violent dreams that pulled Him from his sleep but the persistent uncertainty that followed recall of an old friend or lover. Having been cast back into the past during an unguarded moment by his treacherous mind, He found it difficult to detach himself from the thoughts that bubbled to the surface. Memories dislodged from the mud beneath normally stagnant waters. Had he properly atoned for some grievance committed? Did he owe another the forgiveness withheld from him? But most of all, He found he could not shake the bitter-sweet blend of anger and nostalgia that followed from his memory of his former lover. Had he been justified in his betrayal of C? He felt a self-righteous rage at such thoughts of accountability. Of course He had His reasons. Every betrayal is but a mirror of trespasses that went before it. Yet a life training His mind for scientific objectivity left him suspicious of his own emotions and even His memories. The truth could be buried beneath a weave of tangled neurons. The past could be lost in the maze of connections, obscured by the glittery explosion of a thousand synapses firing. The inner working of His own mind was obscure, oddly apart for something so intimate. Did C wake at night tormented by such dreams? Did His face, merely glimpsed in a crowd or through the window of a passing car, wrench C from his slumber? This was perhaps the most insidious thought of them all..." Anyway, "C", you were, and never will be, "easily forgotten" or "so easily cast aside". I wouldn't ever want to forget or be able to completely cast off someone who was so important to me for such a long time in my life, no matter how lousy the ending was for both of us.